I guess there are some things your just better off not knowing. I never felt that way before in my life. I always had to know everything, and I mean everything. There are some things I'm finding I dont want to know the answer to anymore. Im finding it easier to hold my tounge, sometimes not...when Im overjoyed. I feel a wiser woman emerging from the dust that settled years ago. The turning back one last time to see if somethings changed phase is over. The hopeful, innocent and niave girl that turns the same bend over and over again expecting a different vision to be waiting around the corner each tiring time, is slipping into the pits...Maybe I do know the answers already, deep inside and I just dont like it. There are things that I just know that I dont want to know. Sometimes I wish I didnt see the way that I see, I would be blissfully ignorant to the sea of emotions that safely harbors my fears.

So I guess there are some things your just better off not knowing. Because you just dont give a fuck anymore.

Holy freezing beach winds. It was like rock city out there tonight. Low tide is so revealing.

Im driving back home in my car and my mind begins to wander. As I pull up to the red light infront of the Hawthorne, I observe six young gentlemen gathered by the door all smoking cigars and laughing. Im stopped long enough for the smoke to penetrate into my car, even with the windows up. Toby is watching them from the back seat. I wonder what they are celebrating with these cigars and what they are laughing about...a wedding maybe? Everyone that I know seems to be getting married lately. Either way, I dont like the smell and my focus is drawn to a group of people walking down Essex. These people are also dressed fairly nicely, the men in sports jackets and khakis, the girls with their leggings, high boots, make up and hair done nice. I look at myself in the rear view and see the image of my current self-my beloved M.I.T sweat shirt that Jack Mason gave to me back when I worked in Bedford, black jeans rolled up at the cuff, wool socks and hiking sneakers. I turn my head back to the men smoking cigars and realize I cant remember the last time I was dressed so nicely and I almost become jealous. It had been quite a while. I see myself as I used to be in a dress, heels, leggings, eye liner and lip stick, and I know Im the sexiest woman in the room. Finally the light turns green and I turn left, then right. My car feels like its pulling extra weight and I realize my gas light is now on. I pull over at HESS and count the dollars as they dissapear. Toby stares at me through the window and I smile at him. Coming up to the center of town, a large group is congregated infront of The Tavern. All different types of people. Couples, young people, old people, fat people, thin people, small, tall, black, white...I choose not to look long enough to pick up on anything because a strong feeling begins to loom on into my brain...I continue driving straight across the main intersection and right onto North street. Blue lights flash on the side of the road and I watch as a middle aged man in a hat and navy blue sweat shirt with white writing gets taken in hand cuffs into the cruiser. I cut across with a left turn back onto Essex and Im almost home now. Toby jumps into the front seat and is wagging his tail, I pat him and think Ive almost escaped this feeling. Two right turns and one last right past Arges liquors. Dude is sweeping up cigarette butts and getting ready to close up shop. Hes talking on his cell and glances up to wave as I drive by. I smile, wave back and begin to slow down for the car up ahead that is pulled over with a family is getting out. Husband, wife and three young children all walk safely into their home and dad gets back into the car to park it for the night. Just as I thought I was home free my thoughts scream out and can no longer be ignored...Where do I fit in in all of this?

The more I leave the house the more I realize I dont want to be out. There is a part of me that yerns to be who I used to be. But I am not that person anymore and Im not sure who I am now. Sometimes all I need to do is close my eyes, take a deep breath, turn inward and reach deep within myself...and there is a peacefulness, a stillness, content and knowing, so pure. But I dont feel that outwardly. I dont feel that in interactions. Most people have become a repellant to me. They start talking and I cant relate or follow their shallow meaning. I try to smile along and find common ground but I struggle and feel an undertow pulling me deeper and further away. I stand fast and attempt to keep a steady footing, but after a while I have to walk away...and all I can think is...where do I fit in in all of this?

im walking down my old neighborhood block and its in another world or dimension almost like a movie like tank girl or something. on the corner are four people. they are from a different "tribe" or kind. they are dressed in pale colored and dirty suits. as i walk by them i notice that one of them is david duchovney. he looks terrible. his eyes are un-even, his face distorted, then for some reason it becomes apparent that he is this way because hes acting, its from some sort of tv show. nonetheless, i get so ridiculously excitied that i run up to him, grab his hand and ask him to marry me. and we walk, arm and arm. I look at him and he looks at me and we gaze far into one anothers eyes and i feel overwhelmed by love. he takes out a picture from his pocket that i cant really see and tells me that im "different from the other girls on this plane, that my breasts are smaller and my hair is fuller and there is a beauty of something or other" we are walking still with the others that are up ahead, and we are walking towards another world. its seperated by an endless clear/fuzzy almost saran wrap. all the time im holding on his arm and feeling this strong unconditional love. he tells me that he is "very disabled" and that he doesnt know if he can be healed. and i assure him by looking into his eyes that i will heal him with my love, and he knows. he then tells me that where we are going, our kind are not allowed to be together. and as we cross over into the world i take his hand and turn to him and say "or we die?" and his looks confirms it. i accept this fully knowing the consequence. it didnt matter. to be with him was worth anything. death was nothing compared to this.

we continue walking and all of a sudden he is a woman and i am david. except shes a creature. she is gray and covered with long spikes that are almost like hair. the skin is also spikey, but goes back and forth from smooth to rough depending on the emotions. she says that her ex husband will need to meet me if this is to proceed. she takes me to her home and her ex sort of morphs out of the wall, he is huge, strong, terrifying. i am ready to fight, but i know now that his plan was not to fight, it was to kill. she realizes this now too and yells something in another laungue that comes up as sub-titles written as some kind of symbols, and is also in english saying something like "please dont, death is too risky."  then i wake up.

it wasnt safe to think about you until now. ive kept myself numb. i didnt allow myself to let you enter my mind even for a second... but its time to level with it...its time to let it go, and its time to heal. there had been times when i felt that it was okay for you to treat me the way you did. but it wasnt okay. it was rotten, and it was unfair. it was sworn onto my soul that i should love someone no matter how much pain i felt. that i should love you unconditionally. i swallowed your pain, your hate, your resentment, your anger...and your sex. every night i waited for you. i waited like a dog loyal for you love to come home and say that you loved me.

i gave you everything i had. i gave you my energy, my power, my will. and all you did was take it...you took everything i had. i felt bad for you. i felt like maybe i could heal you. i felt like maybe if i could teach you some things then you would realize that you could do it yourself. i felt like maybe if i tried enough, you would try too.

all you did was speak. you said all the words that would make anyone believe that it was true. you would talk for hours...you would say how beautiful i was, how amazing i was, how much you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me...but you werent there. you were never there.

and now ive been keeping myself numb for hours. since 4pm actually. its now 4am. 4:40 to be exact, and even now your taking my time....its funny how the man you thought that you love is really the man who taught you to be as far as away as you possibly could get.

the dog misses you. but even his precious face couldnt beckon me back to you....

no, no looking back into past enteries. ive found, that within anything else in this world, you need to trust yourself. ive been through so much in the past years, and ive learned to just keep touching, keep feeling...but that isnt how you do things. and if there was a possible verb or noun to explain these social situations then i would be fine, but here isnt.

no one cares anymore. the only ones who care, honestly, is the animals. the cats, the dog...buty who cares about them eh? yea, i do. and yeah, i may be drunk beyond pissah and be drunk beyond a point that cant be helped nesscicalry...but there are people who just live there lives like its nothing. they have so much money and so many means that even the ocean cant find a way to take over their feelings.

but i unerstand that even with feelings, which i try so hard to avoid, can lay low in the sky, those shining gems reaching out to every point of me that i cant ignore. those crystal points of your eyes that touch a feeling deep within a persons soul that you cant ignore.

i love these blustery nights. i love to walk outside in the rain while it sprays me like a waterfall just out of reach. the way the wind picks up a leaf and soars it through the sky like a sparrow...i love the sounds. the power of the noise it creates as the trees sway heavy in the dark blowing like chaos. the smell of earth and pavement and storm. the sounds from within my house, the way every side panel seems to bend with each blow. the gentle rain hitting the windows, the drops collect and cling like broken gems.

my life is about to change in a big way.
im afraid.

walking the jagged icy line where the water has just frozen and the sand crunches under your feet, and the ocean waves come faster than the cold to freeze that line again...i have been doing this long enough to know it will all be washed away within a few hours, my steps, the broken lines of ice. just like my thoughts, and these brittle feelings. they stay long enough to make an imprint, but are washed away in their entirety, smoothing the surface again and again. it is cold enough that my vision starts to blur, and i look out on the black waters to see the seagulls. arent they scared out there? its wild, violent, and most terrifying of all, unknown. what lurks beneath them? do they even care? i envy them.

sometimes i picture myself, as i turn to face the ocean, walking straight into it and not stopping. not to die of course, just to see what would happen. to see what its like under there, to uncover the fear of my unknown. sometimes i feel like this will heal me. that if i could only brave the oceans of my subconscious, that i could do what im really meant to do. that if i could this, then i could stop these icy lines from forming. then i wouldnt have to step on them anymore and watch them break.  

there is something in the air that doesnt quite fit with what is going on inside my body. this world is uncomparable. you learn to live life by the guidlines you give yourself. ive learned to own my own bullshit. what i do is because of me, not because of what everyone is doing. if i am upset its because of me, if i am unhappy, its because of me. each individual on this planet should not have to answer to someone else. slowly but surely we learn to accept our own faults BECAUSE they are OUR own faults and noone elses.

i recall being with Jonathan. it was MY choice to stay with him and endure the pain that came with that. it was not him that made me endure that pain, it was Me. i think of how i work every day with the people i work with and how much stress it causes, i choose that path. i am with the man i am with because i choose him. i have no money because i choose to spend it on other things. there is no point in being upset about other people and what they choose to say, think or do.it is me who puts me in the position i am in.  

we have choices. we choose to deal with what we will deal with and HOW we will deal with it. we clear our own path. we navigate our own path. when  faced with emotions, thoughts and reactions to what is going on outside of us, it is up to us to do what is next.

and perhaps there is a destiny, a fate...but we choose how we will get to that fate.

if i decided however, it go to school and study and become what i want to become...oh the endless possibilities...my path is so clearly, so crisply, so real in front of my face, and i choose to do NOTHING but Think about it. nothing more than think. i can wish and imagine and pray that i will get to the point i want to be at, but it is ME who is the one who is doing absolutely Nothing to make it happen.

it is ME who is doing absolutely nothing to make it happen.

 

men impeed progress.
at least in my life.
this life was not the time for relationships for me i guess....or was it? is that one of my lessons? to make it work, or to have nothing at all? 
i enjoy solitude to the utmost levels.
whats it all for.
whats the point of relationships?
to teach.
ive learned.
ive learned.
ive learned.
no more pain.
no more men.

next time listen to those red flags when you see them.

time has come that it is time to become myself. i feel me merging with who i thought i was my whole life. answers come easier. things make sense. hardships seem welcomed and necessary. pain teaches and sculpts new wisdom. the cliff that has been staring me in the face for the past ten years is now ready and welcoming my jump into freedom, purity, happiness and unity. i am becoming me. after years of self exploration, doubt, fear, worry, pain, work, endurance, patience, positivity...i finally feel a source of comfort in my own heart, that comes from me, and finally from no one else. i am becoming me, and i can be me comfortably. now if i could only learn to spell. 

im want this, i need this, i will do this. i AM doing this. guide me, support me, love me and teach me. 

there is no turning back.